A Hundred and One Thoughts (1)

Nothing is more crippling than self-doubt.

All the past decisions I made felt like they happened out of impulse. Out of my desire to make something happen to my life, I cooked up ideas of great adventures and jumped on them on a precarious point: when I am between doubt and certainty. It is that tipping point when you are about to make a decision. But instead of choosing which side to jump on, you let the wind blow you to a direction you have no solid belief on. 

Falling on a side on that proverbial fence will, at first, give us elation and a sense that finally, something is about to happen. While my subconscious may be aware of the turmoil of indecision, I pushed them back thinking that this here now is what I have always wanted all along. But no journey is eternally smooth. And that indecision will come to the surface and I will have no choice but to confront it.

Looking at the face of indecision is like looking at your self-doubt taking solid and ominous form. Its smirking face looking at you like that kid in grade-school who caught you doing something prohibited and is waiting to tell the teacher about it. You wanted to slap that smirk off its face but you’re too afraid to make a move because you risk making more trouble for yourself. And so the fear grips you, holding you at an unpleasant spot, full of torment and frustration.

Maybe the cure for self-doubt and indecision is out there waiting for me to discover.

 

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hana_esteban

These are just my musings.

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